Holding back

I realized recently that I have been so afraid of failing miserably that I have not allowed myself to run off the end of the pier. I feel safer here on the dock. The problem is, when you have children, they often mimic you. So here I stand, feet planted comfortably on a solid surface, safe and dry, in control. I admire the view, I can hear the sounds around me, I can feel the warm air. I can even sit at the edge and splash my toes in the water. I can allow my body to feel just a tease of that refreshing lake, but that is it.

I watch as the my son flails his body dauntlessly into the water. He laughs big, loud laughs. He engulfs his tiny frame in the ripples. He howls and smiles and splashes around like he has never felt the magic of swimming before. And I watch him closely and I smile at him. I think, that is letting go. And then I see my daughter, there she is, her feet are planted comfortably on a solid surface, she is safe and dry, and in control, and I know in that moment that I have taught her to fear. I also know in that moment that if I do not jump, either will she. And instantly I fear failure less and I fear letting her down most of all. 

I am going to jump and I am not afraid. That is a blatant lie. I am terrified. But I can not feel that water wash over me if I don't jump. I can't be awed by the all encompassing calm it brings my whole being when I finally surrender and go all in. I can't experience the quiet it offers my soul when I make myself proud. You can not get that sitting on the pier. I want to feel all of that. I know there will be moments when I am gasping for air. I know at moments it will be dark and unknown. I know I may be pulled down by others who feel like they are drowning. But I also know I have always found the light and I will continue to.

What I want the most is to know that because I jumped, I gave my daughter the permission to jump. I gave her a bit of security because she knows I am in the water. She knows I am wading near by if she needs to reach for me. And I will be able to say, it's nice in here, jump. I got you. Jump. It's ok to be afraid, jump baby, jump. Don't sit there and look on anymore, close your eyes, breathe, trust yourself. And JUMP.